Suck it, Somali pirates - I'm putting a new crew together!

In case you've been in a coma for the past few weeks, people from my line of work have been in the news a little bit. Specifically, a bunch of Somali pirates captured an supertanker with $100 million worth of crude oil on board. Okay, I'll admit it: I'm a little impressed. But seriously, get a load of these guys:



For starters, what's going on the automatic weaponry? We're pirates, dammit. We jam econo, we party black powder. Second, where's the style? Where's the panache? I guess I can give the guy with the walkie-talkie a few points for wearing cop glasses, me + T-Roy style. Seriously dude, why put a dinner napkin on your head when you could be wearing a tri-corn hat with a Jolly Roger on it? Hell, you just scored a $100 million - it's not like you can't go buy a new wardrobe.

At any rate, with these two-bit amateurs cutting into my business, I took a long, hard look around my ship and realized that my current crew just wasn't cutting it. I mean, take a look at these losers:
This guy was just murder on our dental plan.

Pretty damned hard to swing a cutlass when you're knitting eyepatches all the time.

I don't know what was going on with these ladies. I mean, they were always saying stuff like "Hey pirate, I think you should check out my belowdecks," or "Oh pirate, I'd wish you'd shiver my timbers once in a while," or "Oh pirate, I'd like to walk your plank." I could never figure out what the hell they were talking about. Really annoying. I've got a pirate ship to run here, people. Plus they totally depleted our rum rations in the first week at sea.

Sister Hook was just too badass for us to handle. She scared the beejeebers out of me.

This guy was a damned good accountant but he wasn't all that great of a pirate.

Cyborg Pirate Ninja Jesus was a real pain in the ass. We're just pirates on this ship, no need to throw in all this extra cyborg-ninja-deity incarnate crapola. Plus, everybody knows that pirates and ninjas don't mix.

Although I admire this ex-pirate's ability to travel back in time to make friends with a younger Stephen Colbert, Cap'n Neckbeard Veststain just wasn't cut out for life on the high seas.

So it was heave-ho for the lot of them.

Time to start fresh.
Time to think outside the pirate box.
Time to get incredible.

First things first, I'd like to unveil my new ship:

I've been working on it in the basement for the past two years. And yes, it does double as a bunkbed. Thanks for asking.

And here's the new crew:

Cap'n Flash. Scourge of the seven seas. Can clear the decks of Spanish galleon with one ear-splitting howl.

Midshipman Grimscowl. Don't ask him about that weekend in Puerto Vallarta, 'cause he ain't telling.

Helmsman Furry McCuddles. You don't want to experience the fury of Furry!

Gunner's Mate Tobe "Buster" Bloodvessel. I'm already a little worried about this guy.

Seriously, give Pirate Kitteh his patch back already. You know who you are.

You think a pirate with one eye and two peg-paws has anything to lose? Well punk, do ya?

I'm gonna be honest, Gary here is dumber than a bag of hammers. Plus, who's every heard of pirate named "Gary"?

Natasha Von Teilwaggen. She'll slit yer throat while you sleep without batting an eye.

First Mate Greyfriars Bobby. His story is so touching, it makes our enemies break down weeping, unable to prevent us from taking all their dubloons. Suckers.

We just keep Bubba de la Manteca around for comic relief because he's pretty much useless.

The high seas may never be safe again.