Dudes + Cats

Suck it, Somali pirates - I'm putting a new crew together!

In case you've been in a coma for the past few weeks, people from my line of work have been in the news a little bit. Specifically, a bunch of Somali pirates captured an supertanker with $100 million worth of crude oil on board. Okay, I'll admit it: I'm a little impressed. But seriously, get a load of these guys:



For starters, what's going on the automatic weaponry? We're pirates, dammit. We jam econo, we party black powder. Second, where's the style? Where's the panache? I guess I can give the guy with the walkie-talkie a few points for wearing cop glasses, me + T-Roy style. Seriously dude, why put a dinner napkin on your head when you could be wearing a tri-corn hat with a Jolly Roger on it? Hell, you just scored a $100 million - it's not like you can't go buy a new wardrobe.

At any rate, with these two-bit amateurs cutting into my business, I took a long, hard look around my ship and realized that my current crew just wasn't cutting it. I mean, take a look at these losers:
This guy was just murder on our dental plan.

Pretty damned hard to swing a cutlass when you're knitting eyepatches all the time.

I don't know what was going on with these ladies. I mean, they were always saying stuff like "Hey pirate, I think you should check out my belowdecks," or "Oh pirate, I'd wish you'd shiver my timbers once in a while," or "Oh pirate, I'd like to walk your plank." I could never figure out what the hell they were talking about. Really annoying. I've got a pirate ship to run here, people. Plus they totally depleted our rum rations in the first week at sea.

Sister Hook was just too badass for us to handle. She scared the beejeebers out of me.

This guy was a damned good accountant but he wasn't all that great of a pirate.

Cyborg Pirate Ninja Jesus was a real pain in the ass. We're just pirates on this ship, no need to throw in all this extra cyborg-ninja-deity incarnate crapola. Plus, everybody knows that pirates and ninjas don't mix.

Although I admire this ex-pirate's ability to travel back in time to make friends with a younger Stephen Colbert, Cap'n Neckbeard Veststain just wasn't cut out for life on the high seas.

So it was heave-ho for the lot of them.

Time to start fresh.
Time to think outside the pirate box.
Time to get incredible.

First things first, I'd like to unveil my new ship:

I've been working on it in the basement for the past two years. And yes, it does double as a bunkbed. Thanks for asking.

And here's the new crew:

Cap'n Flash. Scourge of the seven seas. Can clear the decks of Spanish galleon with one ear-splitting howl.

Midshipman Grimscowl. Don't ask him about that weekend in Puerto Vallarta, 'cause he ain't telling.

Helmsman Furry McCuddles. You don't want to experience the fury of Furry!

Gunner's Mate Tobe "Buster" Bloodvessel. I'm already a little worried about this guy.

Seriously, give Pirate Kitteh his patch back already. You know who you are.

You think a pirate with one eye and two peg-paws has anything to lose? Well punk, do ya?

I'm gonna be honest, Gary here is dumber than a bag of hammers. Plus, who's every heard of pirate named "Gary"?

Natasha Von Teilwaggen. She'll slit yer throat while you sleep without batting an eye.

First Mate Greyfriars Bobby. His story is so touching, it makes our enemies break down weeping, unable to prevent us from taking all their dubloons. Suckers.

We just keep Bubba de la Manteca around for comic relief because he's pretty much useless.

The high seas may never be safe again.

I'm frightened. Hold me.

I don't know who this guys is, but I do know that stabbing two enraged lions in the head simultaneously is about as badass as it gets.

Meet our new kitty!

Ain't he a charmer?

Viva la cow dog!

In a world spinning out of control, perhaps a massively extended dog tongue can save the day.

You do not want to know what you have to do to join Cow Dog's gang.

Sometimes, a dog just has to try out a little cross-dressing.


Cow skunk? How the hell does that work?

Anybody lose a pet opossum on Franklin Avenue last month?

JLW, I think you might want to head down to the neighborhood library and look up "cat."

Sick of Awesome Album Covers Yet? Too Damn Bad!

I couldn't have made this up in a month of Sundays. The question in my mind is, what are songs for gay dogs? I'm seriously at a loss here, friends. Next question: who the hell is Paddy Roberts and why haven't we made him Supreme Overlord of the Known Universe yet?

Bushy-Tailed Tree Rat Viciously Attacks Public Servant

Hi, I'm the Pirate of Selby Avenue, and I @*%$#!!! hate squirrels. I don't know if the Postal Service (they people who bring you the mail, not the band) has some kind of Purple Heart equivelant for the Cliff Clayvans of the world who are injured in the line of duty, but if they do I show hope that this brave public servant gets one. Read on:

OIL CITY, Pa. — Barb Dougherty, a 30-year Postal Service employee, said she was attacked and bitten Monday by a squirrel while delivering mail in Oil City, about 75 miles north of Pittsburgh.

"It was a freak thing. It was traumatic,'' Dougherty told The Derrick newspaper. "I saw it there on the porch, put the mail in the box and turned to walk away and it jumped on me.''

She said the animal ran up her leg and onto her back.

"I eventually got a hold of the tail and pulled it off me,'' Dougherty said. "No one was home at the house where I was delivering the mail, but the neighbor lady heard me screaming and came over.''

An ambulance took Dougherty to a hospital, where she was treated for cuts and scratches. The squirrel was killed with a BB gun and sent to a lab to be tested for rabies. Dougherty was given the first series of rabies shots as a precaution.

Postal officials said the attack is extraordinary.

"In about 230 years of postal history, I bet it is not the first, but I've personally never heard of another squirrel biting,'' said Steve Kochersperger, spokesman for the Erie district.