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Tuesday, December 26, 2006

As long as we're talking smack about America's Wang...


The St. Petersburg Times has published its eighteenth annual Sour Orange Awards, a compilation of compilation of "all the stupid, futile events that happen in Florida every year." Here's a few highlights for ya:

WARN THE PRESIDENT ABOUT THE BUTT RUB! A food writer whose bag contained an oyster shell, a jar of Tupelo honey and a package of barbecue spices called Byron's Butt Rub accidentally triggered a bomb scare that prompted the evacuation of the Tallahassee airport. The writer was detained for five hours while a robot examined his bag, and airport officials said the White House was notified.
THE BITER BIT: A former South Florida lawyer pleaded guilty to stealing $300,000 from a client but said she lost the money to a Nigerian e-mail scam. [Official Pirate Commentary: you're smart enought to pass the bar exam but not smart enough to realize that the Nigerian e-mail thing is a scam? Yikes!]
TELL ME ABOUT YOUR CABLE PROBLEMS, BABY: When a utility construction crew cut the television cable to Wesley Chapel, Verizon sent out apology letters offering customers a free pay-per-view movie. The letters listed a number to call with questions - but it was for an adult entertainment chat line called "Intimate Connections."
ANOTHER POLITICIAN COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET: When about 50 antiwar protesters encountered Gov. Jeb Bush in Pittsburgh for a fundraiser for Sen. Rick Santorum, they chased him down into a subway station shouting, "Jeb, go home!" Bush hid in a supply closet until they left.
BECAUSE THE GATOR SUFFERED SEVERE INDIGESTION: While showing guests around his 5,000-acre preserve, South Florida real estate tycoon Ron Bergeron tried to demonstrate how to wrestle a wild alligator. The gator bit his hand, breaking two fingers. An animal rights group immediately called for him to be charged with animal abuse. [Ha ha!]
PARTY OF ONE: The Coast Guard boarded a 50-foot yacht found drifting 5 miles off Fort Pierce and found a solitary passenger, who had passed out nude with a 12-gauge shotgun and 18 methadone pills. He was not, of course, the owner of the $350,000 yacht. When revived, he told deputies a friend picked him up in the yacht to "go party."
DOES MY HMO COVER THIS? A 76-year-old Broward County man was arrested after going door to door and offering free breast exams. At least two women took him up on it.
WASN'T THE NAME A TIPOFF? A man who sold more than $200,000 worth of endangered species' parts, hides and mounts through a Port St. Lucie shop and a Web site was sentenced to 25 months in prison. The Web site: Deadzoo.com.
FAKE WOULD'VE BEEN BETTER: Police say a security worker from MacDill Air Force Base approached two uniformed Tampa officers and asked them to test his crack pipe so he could be sure he was getting real drugs. He was.
THEY WERE HEADED FOR GUANTANAMO: Thieves hit a Jacksonville hotel during a convention and got an unusual haul. Three vendors told police that someone took two pairs of leather and metal bondage suspension cuffs, a 28-inch-long leather whip, bath salts, rainbow pot holders and an electrical stimulation device.
IT WAS FOR AN INVESTIGATION, HONEST! An Orlando police captain, two lieutenants and a sergeant were suspended for sending each other pornographic e-mails while on duty. The practice came to light after lower-ranking male officers complained that they had been sexually harassed by a female sergeant and initially didn't report her because her superiors were too busy watching porn.

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