Sorry, I can't go out tonight. I've got Awesomeness practice.

Listen, I'm stick and tired of just being cool. Anybody can be cool. Just ask my new favorite author and awesomeness coach, Lorraine Peterson (author of If God Loves Me, Why Can't I Get My Locker Open? and If the Devil Made You Do It, You Blew It! (But It Doesn't Need to Happen Again). I want to be awesome, dammit!

So, I started taking awesomeness lessons. They've been pretty challenging, but I think I'm starting to get my head around some of the concepts. For example, to be truly awesome it is very important that you get an awesome sweater. I had no idea. All this time, I've been wearing t-shirts for crappy punk rock bands and merely being cool. Well, the secret is out. Watch out, Bill Cosby! Another thing, you need to have a small, multiracial cadre of adoring followers who will hang on your every awesome word, and basically just reflect and magnify your awesomeness. They need sweaters, too. I've got all kinds of friends, but the adoring part is going to take some time. That, and getting them to wear sweaters like all the time. Finally, I'm growing to understand that if you want to be awesome, it is vitally important to do everything you can to look like a young John Tesh.

I can't tell you precisely what goes on at Awesomeness practice, Lorraine said she would split my frickin' skull open like an overripe melon if I did, but trust me: it's some pretty wild stuff.

So you go ahead without me tonight. Go on with your life, content to merely be cool. I'm gonna keep practicing being awesome.