Weekend Beer Reviews (AKA learn from my mistakes, grasshopper)

Y'know what? I like beer. I like beer a lot. I also like, to much lesser extent, tomato juice. Furthermore, I like clams. So when I was at The Boyfriend Store on Saturday and I saw this product in the cooler,
I said to myself, "aw, what the hell?" That's right my friends, some crazy bastard in St. Louis (and here I thought that Springfield was where I could find all the crazy bastards in the Show Me State) decided that what Budweiser beer was truly missing was the addition of tomato juice and clam broth. Naturally, I couldn't say no. And ya know what? It wasn't that bad. Ever have a bloody mary with a beer back? Well, imagine if the proportions were reversed and you mixed it all together... and then added clam juice. Not for everyone, but I found the first few sips to be fairly enjoyable. And then I just got tired of it. My biggest complaint is that the 24 oz. can is just waaaaay too much Chelada for one session. I think this is a beer-like product that is best consumed at about 8 ounces at a time.

Final Grade: C+ (I'll probably drink it again if somebody else pays for it and my only other choice is lukewarm Sunny D)

Every beer-loving instinct in my body told me that buying a 4-pack of Horny Goat Wheat tallboys was huge mistake. But dammit, I love me some tallboy drinkin', and I love me some beer that may be underpriced for its value (as my friend Ugly Juice is on an eternal quest for the perfect $10 shiraz, so am I on a ceaseless journey for some underappreciated brew that I can get for less than $10 a twelver - it's never going to happen, but that doesn't stop me). So, at $3.99, a 4-pack o' tallboys sounded like it was worth a gamble. Well, like Kenny Rogers taught us so many years ago - ya gotta know when to walk away, know when to run.

I should have ran.


My first warning sign should have been the use of a cartoon character to market the brew. We all know that the only beer that can or should be marketed via cartoon is Hamms, as demonstrated below:





See how it works? You watch those crazy "from the land of sky-blue waters (waters)/comes the beer refreshing/Hamm's - the beer refreshing/ Hamm's!!!!" commercials during a North Stars game when you're nine years old - and 25 years later, you're smashed out of your gourd at Grumpy's, being embraced by a large man in a bear custom. It's quite simple, really.

If you think some effing goat is gonna compete with that, you've got another thing coming.

Now, I can forgive a crappy marketing technique if you've got a decent brew. Horny Goat claims it is "a Belgian-Style white beer, craft-brewed with wheat, malted barley, hops, and a bit of orange peel and coriander." My guess is that the alleged "orange peel" is actually powdered Tang, which unless you're an astronaut, is not exactly a flavor you're looking for in a beer. After that initial blast of powdered citrus noxium, the beer settles into a general state of funkiness reminiscent of the backstage restroom at the 7th Street Entry, followed by a cloying, hey-is-it-just-me-or-is-something-burning? aftertaste. Learn from my mistake, friends, and avoid the Horny Goat at all costs.

Final Grade: D- (What's that? You're offering a jar actual goat urine rather than this wretched brew? Why, don't mind if I do!)