Escape From the Scooby Doo Mansion

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Thursday, September 20, 2007

Transcripts don't lie


Sometimes my merry voyages across the seven seas of civil litigation involves getting people's testimony under oath. Sometimes this leads to some pretty bizarre statements, all of which are recorded on official transcript and preserved for nobody's reading pleasure. The following are segments of genuine court transcrip, which (thankfully) involve pirates other than myself, although I might have a few gems of my own after yesterday (tip o' the eyepatch to H-Lo for contributing several of these):
  • Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?" (The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

  • Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
  • Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
  • Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
  • Witness: "Er...his face."

  • Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
  • Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
  • Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
  • Witness: "My name is Susan."

  • Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
  • Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

  • Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
  • Witness: "After the accident?"
  • Lawyer: "Before the accident."
  • Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

  • Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
  • Witness: "Yes."
  • Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
  • Witness: "Yes, sir."
  • Lawyer: "What did she say?"
  • Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

  • Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
  • Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
  • Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
  • Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

  • Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
  • Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

  • Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
  • Witness: "Four times."

  • Lawyer: "Are you married?"
  • Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
  • Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
  • Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

1 Comments:

At September 20, 2007 3:41 PM, Blogger Latin Lupe Lu said...

Totally FUNNY! It's like "Cops" but "Lawyers" instead!

 

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