Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Merry #@*!%!$! Hannachristkwanzaamaskuh
It's not a huge secret that I don't especially love Christmastime, or the other assorted winter holidays associated with peoples who will surely burn in the lake of fire rather than enjoying leisurely dinosaur rides with Jesus after they die. I think mostly what I don't like is the atmosphere of mandatory cheer. That, and the nearly inescapable barrage of pro-Christmas propaganda. I have some sympathy for what it might be like to live in a one-party state where every room has a picture of Glorious Leader in it. However, the good news is that celebrating the berfday of sweet baby Jesus leads to the kind of inadvertent hilarity that we like to celebrate around here. So, on that note, enjoy:
This pretty much speaks for itself as far as I'm concerned.
Hey, what's up with the human kid? I think Mrs. Predator's been getting a little action on the side.
Will do, Governor!
Yeah, yeah. I know. I ran this one a few posts ago. Still damn sexy.
Damn. That ladymanlady's got a rack!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Sorry, I can't go out tonight. I've got Awesomeness practice.
Listen, I'm stick and tired of just being cool. Anybody can be cool. Just ask my new favorite author and awesomeness coach, Lorraine Peterson (author of If God Loves Me, Why Can't I Get My Locker Open? and If the Devil Made You Do It, You Blew It! (But It Doesn't Need to Happen Again). I want to be awesome, dammit!
So, I started taking awesomeness lessons. They've been pretty challenging, but I think I'm starting to get my head around some of the concepts. For example, to be truly awesome it is very important that you get an awesome sweater. I had no idea. All this time, I've been wearing t-shirts for crappy punk rock bands and merely being cool. Well, the secret is out. Watch out, Bill Cosby! Another thing, you need to have a small, multiracial cadre of adoring followers who will hang on your every awesome word, and basically just reflect and magnify your awesomeness. They need sweaters, too. I've got all kinds of friends, but the adoring part is going to take some time. That, and getting them to wear sweaters like all the time. Finally, I'm growing to understand that if you want to be awesome, it is vitally important to do everything you can to look like a young John Tesh.
I can't tell you precisely what goes on at Awesomeness practice, Lorraine said she would split my frickin' skull open like an overripe melon if I did, but trust me: it's some pretty wild stuff.
So you go ahead without me tonight. Go on with your life, content to merely be cool. I'm gonna keep practicing being awesome.