Escape From the Scooby Doo Mansion

You wanted the awesome, you got the awesome!

Friday, November 28, 2008

Montage? Hell no, we're bringing you the MANtage!

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Tuesday, November 25, 2008

H-Lo's Profound Annoyance is the Glue that Binds This Post Together

Because she's cute when she's mad.

My friend H-Lo is an awesome writer and editor. Which is why she's going to love seeing these pictures:

Umm, actually, I'm gonna pass. Thanks anyways.

That Bryan Ferry sure is an enterprising fella.

Again, gonna have to pass. Sorry.

Why am I not surprised?

I don't know about you, but I think that Cindy Petit is precisely the kind of leadership our school board needs. My only question is "Kid's first what?"

I think about 45% of this list describes me (maybe more if I could get a proper definition of "high fullutent"). The other 55% probably describes you.
See you in hell.

Alright, already! Sheesh, how many times do I have to apologize for that one time? Gimme a break, man.

That's right, all doughnuts must be paid for before you engage in activity that somebody else might describe as "eating them."

See, even those high fullutent, man-hating, uppity broads with hairy armpits make horrible, embarrassing grammatical errors. It's not their fault, really. They're brains are only one-third the size of a man's. That's just science.
This public service announcement has been brought to you by some guy in a greasy t-shirt from 1978.
Umm, I just consulted to Southern to Midwestern dictionary, and I believe this sign roughly translates as "Please to be making arrest of motion now, await making of happy time. We honor your mother's big toe."
Or something like that. I only took one year of Southern in high school, so I could be wrong.

H-Lo is also an animal lover.
Well, maybe not so much with the cats.
Lady, you need to slowly put the cat down and come towards us with your hands where we can see them. We can help you.

Mee. Yow.

Hello... umm... kitty?

I'm not sure how I feel about Donny Darko kitty.

Again... Mee. Yow.
However, I can't approve of Django Rheinhart kitty highly enough.

I can only hope and pray to the flying spaghetti monster that someday my image will be immortalized on a cat's ass.

Little known fact: H-Lo likes to rock it, metal-style

I don't know if Doug Henning annoys H-Lo or not, but I'm gonna bet he does.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Suck it, Somali pirates - I'm putting a new crew together!

In case you've been in a coma for the past few weeks, people from my line of work have been in the news a little bit. Specifically, a bunch of Somali pirates captured an supertanker with $100 million worth of crude oil on board. Okay, I'll admit it: I'm a little impressed. But seriously, get a load of these guys:

For starters, what's going on the automatic weaponry? We're pirates, dammit. We jam econo, we party black powder. Second, where's the style? Where's the panache? I guess I can give the guy with the walkie-talkie a few points for wearing cop glasses, me + T-Roy style. Seriously dude, why put a dinner napkin on your head when you could be wearing a tri-corn hat with a Jolly Roger on it? Hell, you just scored a $100 million - it's not like you can't go buy a new wardrobe.

At any rate, with these two-bit amateurs cutting into my business, I took a long, hard look around my ship and realized that my current crew just wasn't cutting it. I mean, take a look at these losers:
This guy was just murder on our dental plan.

Pretty damned hard to swing a cutlass when you're knitting eyepatches all the time.

I don't know what was going on with these ladies. I mean, they were always saying stuff like "Hey pirate, I think you should check out my belowdecks," or "Oh pirate, I'd wish you'd shiver my timbers once in a while," or "Oh pirate, I'd like to walk your plank." I could never figure out what the hell they were talking about. Really annoying. I've got a pirate ship to run here, people. Plus they totally depleted our rum rations in the first week at sea.

Sister Hook was just too badass for us to handle. She scared the beejeebers out of me.

This guy was a damned good accountant but he wasn't all that great of a pirate.

Cyborg Pirate Ninja Jesus was a real pain in the ass. We're just pirates on this ship, no need to throw in all this extra cyborg-ninja-deity incarnate crapola. Plus, everybody knows that pirates and ninjas don't mix.

Although I admire this ex-pirate's ability to travel back in time to make friends with a younger Stephen Colbert, Cap'n Neckbeard Veststain just wasn't cut out for life on the high seas.

So it was heave-ho for the lot of them.

Time to start fresh.
Time to think outside the pirate box.
Time to get incredible.

First things first, I'd like to unveil my new ship:

I've been working on it in the basement for the past two years. And yes, it does double as a bunkbed. Thanks for asking.

And here's the new crew:

Cap'n Flash. Scourge of the seven seas. Can clear the decks of Spanish galleon with one ear-splitting howl.

Midshipman Grimscowl. Don't ask him about that weekend in Puerto Vallarta, 'cause he ain't telling.

Helmsman Furry McCuddles. You don't want to experience the fury of Furry!

Gunner's Mate Tobe "Buster" Bloodvessel. I'm already a little worried about this guy.

Seriously, give Pirate Kitteh his patch back already. You know who you are.

You think a pirate with one eye and two peg-paws has anything to lose? Well punk, do ya?

I'm gonna be honest, Gary here is dumber than a bag of hammers. Plus, who's every heard of pirate named "Gary"?

Natasha Von Teilwaggen. She'll slit yer throat while you sleep without batting an eye.

First Mate Greyfriars Bobby. His story is so touching, it makes our enemies break down weeping, unable to prevent us from taking all their dubloons. Suckers.

We just keep Bubba de la Manteca around for comic relief because he's pretty much useless.

The high seas may never be safe again.

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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Check out my new ride.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Rock and Roll Means Well

Saturday, November 15, 2008

This is how I became the Master of the Internet that I am today.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Friday, November 14, 2008

Fashion Cage Match - PLAYOFF ROUND: People from New Jersey vs. People at a Sci-Fi Convention

Gentlemen, for your own sakes I hope you remain law-abiding at all times -because you are officially too damned pretty for prison.

But, if you should end up incarcerated, this guy will be there to meet you.

Guys, did you take a look in the mirror before you headed out for the evening?

I'm not sure how this is happening, but it's happening.

Beauty may only be skin-deep, but sometimes plastic surgery and steroid abuse go all the way through.

I think these guys are about to run in the Sci-fi Marathon. More power to 'em. I wonder if they call it "the Kessel run"?

Oompa loompa oopiddy doo.

Aye yai yai!

I still would like a further explanation about the "ease the seat back" spoken word soliloquy in Van Halen's "Panama." Creepy Jersey-edition David Lee Roth, would you care to explain?

I was wondering when Wonder Woman and Dr. Strange were going to finally get together. Oh wait, they live in two complete different comic book universes. He's from Marvel, she's from DC. I'm afraid that this photo is evidence of a very serious rift in the space-time continuum.

They start 'em young in Jersey.

Hello Vader.

Kid, unless your name is L'il Mama, I suggest you rethink the lip gloss strategy. Love the penciled-on beard though. Really butches it up for ya.

Your mom's costume remains awesome.

It's an old New Jersey tradition to celebrate Christmas by spray-painting your face orange.

Jedi Knights, on the other hand, honor baby Jesus with a delicious and wholesome meal from Taco Bell.

Speedo? Actually, spee-don't.

Sir, I'm afraid we're going to have cite you for wearing spandex without a license.
P.S. love the sandals. They say "action!"

This is what the Incredible Hulk would look like if he was from Jersey.

Fortunately, Tron Guy is here to protect us if the Jersey Hulk gets... angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.

Seriously, what is up with New Jersey guys and the lips?

Gentlemen, whatever your question may be (and I do mean whatever), the answer is a resounding "yes!"

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