Friday, June 29, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Sick of Awesome Album Covers Yet? Too Damn Bad!
I couldn't have made this up in a month of Sundays. The question in my mind is, what are songs for gay dogs? I'm seriously at a loss here, friends. Next question: who the hell is Paddy Roberts and why haven't we made him Supreme Overlord of the Known Universe yet?
Friday, June 22, 2007
Awesome Album Covers: Those Silly Foreigners Edition
Apparently, somebody thought it would be a good idead to clone Jay Manuel and have his doppelgangers (how ya like that use of foreign vocabulary?) start a band that wore matching shiny pink suits. And you know what? That somebody was right!
Friends, I'm not going to lie to you - Heino pretty much scares the living shit out of me.
To this day, the debate rages between Zamfir fans: Which Zamfir do they like better - the yound, skinny rebellious Zamfir or the older, fatter sequined jumpsuit-wearing Zamfir?
I had no idea Jackie Torture could play the xylophone. (That's a little inside-baseball for the the Lex-Ham folks.)
Hey Guadalajara Brass, I don't quite know how to break this to you, but Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass have been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, and used a functional vehicle.
Dammit! All those years I spent playing guitar, and now I find out that what French whores truly love is a man who can play the accordian. You've got a mighty sweet life, Jo Basile.
Mi nombre es Barretto. Ray Barretto.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
All Dinosaurs go to Heaven
If you're like me, you're probably saving up your hard-earned gold dubloons for trip to the Creation Museum in Kentucky. Well until then, I hope these scientifically accurate artistic renderings will hold you over:
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Fashion Cage Match: Zubaz vs. Holiday Sweaters
Alright guests of the Scooby Doo Mansion, we need your input to determine what fashion statement is better: Zubaz or Holiday Sweaters. I'm going to offer some commentary, but your votes (via comments) will determine the winner of this first Scooby Doo Mansion Fashion Cage Match. Ready? Here we go!
Okay, here we go. Zubaz? check. Nascar Shirt? check. Dirty white sneakers? check. So, what's the problem? The problem is that I'm just not buying the hair. It's more of a Sammy Haggar than it is a true Kentucky Waterfall. Let's see what team Holiday Sweater has to offer.
I think her sweater actually has lights attached to it. Too bad they're not actually turned on. Between the two of them, they've managed to incorporate snowmen, snowflakes, and sleds into their holiday sweater oeuvre, which is commendable. They've also chosen to take this stylin' look out to a bar, which is even more commendable.
This looks like a young man who is off to do some serious... well, some serious something. Zubaz + suspenders? Damn! Bank of keyboards? Double-damn! Safety googles? All I can say is, please Hammer, don't hurt 'em.
Why so glum, pal? In case you haven't noticed, you've Santa effing Claus on your chest! Hey wait a minute, is this actually the same guy as in the picture above?
Immediately after this picture was taken, Ross Lipton plumetted from the railing to the field below. However, thanks to the sheer awesomeness of his coordinated Philidelphia Eagles zubaz outfit, he was completely uninjured. Zubaz... they don't just help you look cool, they save lives.
"I'm wearing what?"
Round Four:You know you're stylin' when you're wearing pants that were modeled by the Road Warriors.
Moments later, the whole family opened their eyes to discover that they were wearing the awesomest collection of holiday sweaters ever! I think dad should get extra points for gratuitous bow-tie wearing.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Awesome Album Covers: Family Band Edition (watch out, Partridge Family!)
Note to self: when forming kick-ass family band, must make sure mom has especially kick-ass beehive.
See, the Cooper Family has the good sense to play be the beehive rule, albeit not quite in the grand style of Mrs. McKeithen. By the way, if those snot-nosed Cooper brats are all God's children, then why is Mr. Cooper stuck paying for their braces? I mean, something tells me that royalties from the sale of this album ain't exactly gonna get those kids through college. Quit being such a deadbeat dad, God.
Hold on now, who's in the Family Band and who's in the Heitt Orchestra? And which one of you non-beehived skanks is Donna Boser? I bet the kid with the banjo knows.
As they were shooting their album cover, the Cameron Family was stunned by the sudden appearance of Satan himself, who promptly dragged them all down into the bowels of hell as punishment for failing to get Mrs. Cameron to beehive her hair. Let that be a lesson for all of us.
I don't know about you, but I'm gravely concerned for the safety of that dog.
It's a little known fact that The Smylie Family's awesome matching outfits and Junior's supertight 'fro briefly got them a slot as an opening act during Motorhead's 1979 tour of Japan. Sadly, it all came to an end when Mrs. Smylie went on a Jack Daniels and qualude-fueled rampage in a Kyoto hotel, resulting in arson charges and a ten-year sentence in a Japanese prison. Pa Smylie and Junior Smylie carried on the family band without her, finding much critical acclaim for their searingly introspective albums such as "My Belt is White, My 'Fro is Tight," and "Live at Kyosaka Women's Correctional Facility!" Commercial success, however, eluded them, and Junior Smylie was recently promoted to Assistant Manager at the Blue Springs, Missouri KFC.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Awesome Album Covers: Pride Month Edition
Hey, guess what? The guy in the middle (John Hall) is in congress now!
I think I saw Dennis Faron hanging out in a Ford Taurus down by Crosby Park, pretending to read a newspaper.
I had no idea that The Village People went through a "let's rip off Duran Duran" phase. Wonder how that worked out for them...
Okay, here's the deal: if you shoot an album cover that involves you hanging out in a sausage shop pretending to use a ginormous salami as a flute... you're going to end up on my list of Awesome Album Covers: Pride Month Edition. I'm sorry, but them's the rules and I gotta play by 'em.
Ummm, Henry? Exactly why did you need a feather-duster inside a tree?
Just two questions for Tino: 1) what's with the wedding ring? and 2) what was your favorite memory of Menudo?
Okay, I got nothing to say about this one.
Playmates, if you're going pile all three of you onto a Vespa, please wear helmets!
I auditioned to be Man o War's bassist, and for some reason they never got back to me. WTF? I mean, I bought an awesome pair of assless chaps and everything. Sheesh!
Friday, June 15, 2007
Captain Shawn? Is that you? PART II
Thursday, June 14, 2007
The Muppet that time forgot: Crazy Harry
Crazy Harry is the pyrotechnic expert on The Muppet Show. An unkempt figure with wild eyes and a mad cackle, he delights in blowing things up. In addition to explosions, he played the triangle bell in the Muppet Orchestra during the first season opening and closing. His finest hour may well have been in episode 306, accompanying Jean Stapleton on the explodaphone for a particularly frantic rendition of "I'm Just Wild About Harry."
The explodaphone? I think it just might be my favorite new instrument! Y'know, now that I think about it: I'm unkempt, wild-eyed, and possess a mad cackle as well... Crazy Harry, are you my true father?