Escape From the Scooby Doo Mansion

You wanted the awesome, you got the awesome!

Friday, March 31, 2006

Thomas Kinkade: "Painter of Light," Chronic Territorial Marker

Peaceful scene, isnt' it? You can almost smell the apple pie cooling on Ma's window sill. This moment of bucolic repose was brought to us by none other than Thomas Kinkade AKA "The Painter of Light." Well, the L.A Times tell us about a few more moments of bliss and tranquility Mr. Kinkade has brought to America:
"[S]ome former Kinkade employees, gallery operators and others contend that the Painter of Light has a decidedly dark side.
"In sworn testimony and interviews, they recount incidents in which an allegedly drunken Kinkade heckled illusionists Siegfried & Roy in Las Vegas, cursed a former employee's wife who came to his aid when he fell off a barstool, and palmed a startled woman's breasts at a signing party in South Bend, Ind.

And then there is Kinkade's proclivity for "ritual territory marking," as he called it, which allegedly manifested itself in the late 1990s outside the Disneyland Hotel in Anaheim.

"This one's for you, Walt," the artist quipped late one night as he urinated on a Winnie the Pooh figure, said Terry Sheppard, a former vice president for Kinkade's company, in an interview."

45 lb. Cat Utterly Fails to Terrorize Small Georgia Town

The Atlanta NBC affiliate reports:
"Sam looks like a footstool, or maybe a large pillow, but in reality, Sam is a living, breathing cat. One who happens to be more than just a little bit fat.

Owner Paul Webster says he has watched his 9-year-old feline grow from a tiny kitten to a 45-pound wonder. In fact, Webster says, Sam is 32 inches long and 34 inches around.

According to his veterinarian, despite Sam’s heft, he’s healthy.

“He’s not overfed. He gets one cup of dry kibble a day. He’s allowed to have two, but he just has one,” Webster said.

And occasionally, Sam gets canned food as a special treat. Perhaps he has a slow metabolism."
Slow metabolism, my foot. I got $5 that says Paul is feeding Sam deep-fried twinkies when nobody's looking.

Sorry about the comments settings!

I was young, I was naive, I was blissfully unaware you were being prevented from commenting on this blog!
I humbly apologize and sincerely repent. I think I've changed the settings now so that you can fire at will, and I hope you do. Let me know if it's not working. Boy, is my face red.

I want your comments, people! Let me have it!

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Toilet-bombing family arrested at last!

If the family that prays together stays together, what happens to the family that bombs portable toilets together? Apparently, they go to jail. The Strib reports:
"Four members of a family from Frost, Minn., were arrested Tuesday after authorities found 114 explosive devices and more than 20 pounds of explosive materials inside their home and buried in their yard.

The suspects are a mother and father and their 19- and 15-year-old sons, authorities said. Faribault County authorities said the suspects are linked to a half-dozen mailbox explosions in rural Freeborn County over the past few months and the bombing of a portable toilet in Albert Lea, Minn., in the past week. A second bomb was found in Albert Lea but did not explode."

Kinda sounds like an episode of Little House on The Prairie doesn't it? After a hard day of harvesting corn and churning butter and whatnot, Ma, Pa, and the youngins a hitch a team to the wagon and head on into town for some good, wholesome Biff bombing. Yessir, we like to keep it simple out here in Frost, Minnesota. We don't need all kinds of fancy gadgets and doo-dads like you perverts up there in the Sin Cities. Nope, when we kick back and relax here in Frost, we get our pipe bombs, go find ourselves a portable toilet, and get down to some serious, quality family-bonding time. BLAM! Hoo-wee, there goes another one! This sure beats cow-tipping!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Wondertwin powers, activate!

Lots of discussion about superheroes and superpowers going on these days:

  • lucas of Petite Flower poses the question: Which Superhero are you? and concludes that she is, indeed, Wonder Woman. But then, we already knew that. I took the same test and discovered that (cue Black Sabbath intro) I AM IRON MAN!
  • What does your choice of superpowers (if you had a choice) say about you? A recent program of This American Life asked random people on the streets of Chicago this question: If could could choose one of these superpowers, and you would be the only person on earth to have this superpower, would you pick Flight or Invisibility? Let's face it, some of us are born Flight people and some of us are born Invisibility people... and I bet you already know which one you are.
  • Not to be outdone, Tom Quinn over at Paradise Found has been inventing some rather interesting superpowers he wouldn't mind having himself. Observe:
"Superhero #3: Perspiro
Alias: Mr Salty.
Powers: Has the ability to drown anyone in a sea of strong, salty sweat.
Why? I guess I don't really have to explain this one. I sweat at the thought of sweating. I sweat even in the coldest weather. When I wear a sweater, I make the name stick.

Of course, regardless of persona, I would be accompanied by my trusted sidekick (why are sidekicks always trusted?), Hamish the Hypnocat. He has the ability to send anyone into a doze at 20 paces. What superhero would you be?"

Pizza Luce is (probably) coming to Lex-Ham

Pizza Luce has purchased the former Whitehouse Color building on the 1100 block of Selby Avenue (just west of the Selby-Dunlap intersection). If you're not familiar with Pizza Luce, in my humble opinion they are the best pizzeria in the Twin Cities - hands down. (Unless you're looking for good ol' greasebucket pizza served in a dark and dingy atmosphere alongside East Side barflies, in which case I would recommend Red's Savoy Inn.) The Pizza Luce menu has something for everyone - from vegans to confirmed carnivores and all of us in between. Even better, they treat their employees decently: good wages, happy working conditions, and benefits for everyone who works over 32 hours a week.
This will be a perfect fit for our neighborhood. Apparently, they hope to be open in November - provided they can get a few minor variances for the city. If you are a Lex-Hammer and you want to see this happen, contact Ward 1 City Councilwoman Debbie Montgomery and let her know that you are excited about Pizza Luce coming the neighborhood and that you support the granting of reasonable variances to make that happen.

Pirates and squirrels... living harmoniously?

This is from me mateys over at Office Pirates. Apparently some kind of follow-up to the old "you don't have to be nuts to work here but it helps" chestnut.
The problem is that I really, really hate squirrels. I mean squirrels piss me off almost as much as monkies amuse me. I don't want to be the squirrel - I want to kill the squirrel! Office Pirates obviously didn't do their post-graduate work at the same Institute of Advanced Pirate Studies that I did.

A Shout Out to the Peeps at St. Paul City Hall

This blog will not be weighing in the City Hall vs. The Easter Bunny controversy. Frankly, there's been enough hot air expended on that topic to send a fleet of zeppelins aloft.
However, I do find it noteworthy that Saint Paul city hall has now been invaded by soft, delicious marshallow birds. Roxanne Battle of Kare-11 has the scoop:

"Some city hall employees are upset with that decision and they're staging a 'Peep' protest under the gargantuan statue called The Vision of Peace or is that the Vision of Peeps?
"Peeps, it's pretty funny cause it's peeps instead of peace," laughed attorney and city hall employee Maureen Dolan. She took part in what's being called the Peep Protest, "I brought them in because when I saw them at the store I went spring!"[...]
But today, the Peeps produced chuckles and a desire by some to lighten up the atmosphere, "It saddens me that someone could find offense in the Easter bunny but I think it should be a little bit more tolerant of people," said employee Dan McKinnon."

Ok, how long is it going to take before a band of ravenous potheads facing a killer attack of the munchies decide they really need to take a field trip to city hall? To, uhhhh, check their property records... yeah, that's the ticket.

Cat ambushes Avon lady, gets hit with restraining order

lucas, I think Dave has officially been outdone:

"FAIRFIELD, Conn. (AP)- Residents of the neighborhood of Sunset Circle say they have been terrorized by a crazy cat named Lewis. Lewis for his part has been uniquely cited, personally issued a restraining order by the town's animal control officer."
"[Sharp claws and] catlike stealth, have allowed Lewis to attack at least a half dozen people and ambush the Avon lady as she was getting out of her car."
"Animal Control Officer Rachel Solveira placed a restraining order on him. It was the first time such an action was taken against a cat in Fairfield. In effect, Lewis is under house arrest, forbidden to leave his home."

Car chase suspect loses control of car, control of pants

Tip o' the pirate cap to those members of St. Paul's finest who had to deal with this one:

"Rather than stop, the driver sped away, leading police on a chase that ended in St. Paul. The car crashed on Interstate Hwy. 35E and Maryland Avenue.

The driver fled on foot but was caught by St. Paul police. Television reports show the driver's pants falling to his ankles as police arrested him."

Note to self: when being arrested in front of television cameras, make sure pants stay on.

Readers, you may rest assured that Escape From the Scooby Doo Mansion will not rest until we find a link to that video footage. Stay tuned.

That's SIR Tom Jones to you, bub!

The Strib has the goods via the AP:

"LONDON — It's not unusual for Tom Jones to meet Queen Elizabeth but the knighthood was something special.

The 65-year-old Welsh singer became Sir Tom today, receiving the honor from the queen at Buckingham Palace.

The big-voiced singer was accompanied by his son, daughter and granddaughter at today's ceremony. He says receiving the knighthood is "just tremendous."

The son of a coal miner, he was born Thomas Jones Woodward. His string of hits started with "It's Not Unusual" in 1963, and includes "What's New Pussycat," "Green Green Grass of Home" and "She's a Lady," among others."

Visit Sir Tom at his homepage.

Discussion topic: what's the best Tom Jones song for karaoke?

Cocktail of the Moment: The Negroni

The apertif of choice around the Scooby Doo Mansion lately has been the Negroni. This is a dry, somewhat bittersweet classic cocktail and offers a welcome break from the current onslaught of overly sugared frou-frou drinks. The Negroni was invented in Italy in the early 1900s. Mixed with gin, Campari and sweet vermouth, it was named after Count Negroni of Florence who always ordered the same cocktail. Lesson learned: if you keep ordering the same unique cocktail long enough, eventually they'll name the drink after you.

Here's our recipe:
2 parts Gin
1 part Sweet Vermouth
3/4 part Campari
serve over rocks, garnish with orange slice and top off with a splash of club soda.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

You call it the Scooby Doo Mansion, I call it Home

About 4 years ago my wife and I bought a house - a house that architects would describe as "Second Empire Cottage." Our friends, however, are not architects. Actually that's not totally true as John "Johnny Solid" Dwyer of the critically acclaimed Shelter Architecture is an architect and a damn good one at that. Anyhoo, our friends, 99% of whom are not architects, look one long look at our new place and unanimously declared "it's the Scooby Doo Mansion!"
And the name stuck like crazy glue to construction worker's helmet.
We've been hosting parties and our annual talent show as well as scaring the bejeebus out of trick-or-treaters ever since. And, yeah, it looks a little like the picture above. Except not in an amusement park. And there's no van parked in the front yard.