Escape From the Scooby Doo Mansion

You wanted the awesome, you got the awesome!

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Axl Rose demonstrates his continued irrelevance

Providing further evidence that liberal usage of the Devil's Dandruff doesn't do your gray matter any favors in the long run, Axl Rose destroys the one thing that could convince this frugal pirate to part with his hard-earned pieces of eight to see an aging, bloated, 21st century Guns-n-Roses. Take it away, Chris R.:

The Eagles of Death Metal won't open Saturday's Target Center concert with Guns N' Roses after all. Belatedly added to the tour to boost ticket sales and kill the usual long wait for GNR frontman Axl Rose, the hip California hard-rockers dropped out after only one show, Friday in Cleveland, because Rose badmouthed them.

According to Billboard, fans initially booed the Eagles but were won over in the end. Rose, however, still referred to them as "The Pigeons of [expletive] Metal" during his set. Ex-Skid Row singer Sebastian Bach, Rose's friend, remains as GNR's opener.


Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Stick it to the man, Bill!

Courtesy of Monkeys for Helping. Helpful monkeys, indeed.

Monday, November 20, 2006

The Devil's Dandruff & Davey Jones' Locker

I swear I had absolutely nothing to do with this breaking nautical news:

SAN JOSE, Costa Rica - Tipped off by three plastic pipes mysteriously skimming the ocean's surface, authorities seized a homemade submarine packed with 3 tons of cocaine off Costa Rica's Pacific coast.
Four men traveled inside the 50-foot wood and fiberglass craft, breathing through the pipes. The craft sailed along at about 7 mph, just six feet beneath the surface, Security Minister Fernando Berrocal said Sunday.

You have to wonder if these guys weren't helping themselves to a few toots of the inventory if they thought that something with a top speed of 7 mph was going to be their magical drug-smuggling craft. I guess I have to give 'em a tip of the eyepatch for thinking creatively, though.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Phase 1 of Operation: Monkeys Take Over Iowa is underway!

Look, I don't want to spill the beans or anything here, so all I'm gonna say is that Tom Vilsack better watch out because it's just a matter of time before an Orangutan is sitting in the governor's mansion.
DES MOINES, Iowa - When firefighters responded to an alarm at a local research center, they found no fire and one guilty ape.
A bonobo named Panbanisha pulled the fire alarm last Friday at the Great Ape Trust of Iowa, said apologetic researchers. "It's my understanding that she's been told not to do it again," Trust spokesman Al Setka said.
The fire alarm is on a wall in an area used by the apes and members of the scientific team. Panbanisha, a 25-year-old female, is one of seven bonobos at the facility, and was among the first group to arrive in April 2005. Bonobos are among the most human-like of the great apes.
Setka said Sue Savage-Rumbaugh, a lead scientist studying the behavior and intelligence of bonobos, scolded Panbanisha.
Fire department spokesman Brian O'Keefe said Monday it was the first known case of an animal setting off a fire alarm in Des Moines.
The center, on a 230-acre site, also has three orangutans.
Trust me, this is all part of a much grander scheme. If I told you more I'd have to make you walk the plank. However, I would suggest that you start watching Planet of the Apes very, very carefully this weekend. If you're in on the plan, all I can say is: Bravo Omega, the walrus is in the basement, I repeat, the walrus is in the basement. Over and out.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

And Now for a Very Important Message From a Disgruntled Orangutan

You know you've got PR problems when even the Oranguatans are flipping you off. Not that I've *coughBushcough* got anybody in particular in mind here on election day.

In all seriousness, our Orangutan buddies are facing some tough times. Click here to learn more.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

I Love Rock-n-Roll

Now that I have officially received my letter of marque, and can pillage and plunder without further adult supervision, I'm getting back to my first love... ROCK AND ROLL, BABY!! WOOOOOO!!! (insert sound of a PBR tallboy being cracked open here)
Last week was all about returning to my former haunts, both physically and (dare I say it?) spiritually. Yep, I got see Joan Jett & The BlackHearts, The Eagles of Death Metal, and The Hold Steady all within 48 hours.

At First Ave., where so much of my youth was misspent.

It was fucking great.

Just two ideas worth parlaying to those who weren't there:
  1. You haven't seen a crowd go completely, stark raving looney-birds crazy until you've seen Joan Jett with the Minnesota Roller Girls.
  2. The Hold Steady's new album "Boys and Girls in America" may very well be the best album of this crappy decade. I mean, I dug 'em before and everything, but this album is such a sublime crystalization of a time and place for me. I feel like somebody wrote this epic poem about my life and times circa 1989 - 1994, and set it to some of the most ass-kicking rock-n-roll music ever recorded. If you grew up a little bit on the wild side in the late 80's - early 90's, and especially if you did it the Twin Cities, this album is going to set off a lot of memories.

Bushy-Tailed Tree Rat Viciously Attacks Public Servant

Hi, I'm the Pirate of Selby Avenue, and I @*%$#!!! hate squirrels. I don't know if the Postal Service (they people who bring you the mail, not the band) has some kind of Purple Heart equivelant for the Cliff Clayvans of the world who are injured in the line of duty, but if they do I show hope that this brave public servant gets one. Read on:
OIL CITY, Pa. — Barb Dougherty, a 30-year Postal Service employee, said she was attacked and bitten Monday by a squirrel while delivering mail in Oil City, about 75 miles north of Pittsburgh.

"It was a freak thing. It was traumatic,'' Dougherty told The Derrick newspaper. "I saw it there on the porch, put the mail in the box and turned to walk away and it jumped on me.''

She said the animal ran up her leg and onto her back.

"I eventually got a hold of the tail and pulled it off me,'' Dougherty said. "No one was home at the house where I was delivering the mail, but the neighbor lady heard me screaming and came over.''

An ambulance took Dougherty to a hospital, where she was treated for cuts and scratches. The squirrel was killed with a BB gun and sent to a lab to be tested for rabies. Dougherty was given the first series of rabies shots as a precaution.

Postal officials said the attack is extraordinary.

"In about 230 years of postal history, I bet it is not the first, but I've personally never heard of another squirrel biting,'' said Steve Kochersperger, spokesman for the Erie district.