Escape From the Scooby Doo Mansion: October 2007

I am so not kidding about the Coming Zombie Menace

That's right, chickens, I gots me some scientific support for my greatest formerly irrational fear. Check out this discussion of the possibility of a "rage virus" (as depicted in the scariest movie of all time, 28 Days Later) actually happening. Time to start boarding up the Scooby Doo Mansion (after we get done handing out candy tonight), stocking up on canned hams and sharpening the 'ole machete (aka the "GhoulHacker 3000"):

In the movie, it was a virus that turned human beings into mindless killing machines. In real life, we have a series of brain disorders that do the same thing. They were never contagious, of course. Then, Mad Cow Disease came along. It attacks the cow's spinal cord and brain, turning it into a stumbling, mindless attack cow.
And, when humans eat the meat ...

How it can result in zombies:
When Mad Cow gets in humans, they call it Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease. Check out the symptoms:

Changes in gait (walking)
Hallucinations
Lack of coordination (for example, stumbling and falling)
Muscle twitching
Myoclonic jerks or seizures
Rapidly developing delirium or dementia

Sure, the disease is rare (though maybe not as rare as we think) and the afflicted aren't known to chase after people in murderous mobs. Yet.

But, it proves widespread brain infections of the Rage variety are just a matter of waiting for the right disease to come along.

Chances this could cause a zombie apocalypse:
If the whole sudden, mindless violence idea seems far-fetched, remember that you are just one brain chemical (serotonin) away from turning into a mindless killing machine (they've tested it by putting rats in Deathmatch-style cages and watching them turn on each other). All it would take is a disease that destroys the brain's ability to absorb that one chemical and suddenly it's a real-world 28 Days Later.

So, imagine such an evolved disease, which we'll call Super Mad Cow (or, Madder Cow) getting a foothold through the food supply. Say this disease spreads through blood-on-blood contact, or saliva-on-blood contact. Now you have a Rage-type virus that can be transmitted with a bite.

Brrraaaaainnnnsssss...............

You were too beautiful for this world, Robert Goulet.

We'll miss you, Robert Goulet:

Robert Goulet, the Canadian-raised singer known for his baritone voice and frequent TV appearances, has died, a spokesman for the singer said. He was 73.
Blessed with matinee idol looks, Goulet started his acting career in Canada and became a star on Broadway in the role of Lancelot in the 1960 musical Camelot.

If Ever I Would Leave You, Lancelot’s love song to Guinevere, remained a signature tune throughout his career.

But after becoming a fixture at Las Vegas, he developed the image of a Lothario crooner with twinkling blue eyes, singing through a haze of cigarette smoke.

Well, what better way to pay tribute than through one of my all-time favorite SNL skits:

Staring contest. Me and you. Now.

I "can't wait" until these guys check out "Tin Cup's" on "Rice Street"

Yup, that's right. Some genius has dedicated an entire blog to photos of signs with completely unnecessary quote marks. H-Lo, you may begin your nervous breakdown now. "Check it out!"

Seven Things About Yours Truly

A long time ago, Missy over at Ode to Humanity challenged me to post seven things about myself, or something like that. Obviously, I've been putting that little piece of homework off for a while. Seeing as I've now caught a brief moment of rest from an insanely busy schedule of brigandage on the high seas, I guess now is my chance to make good. Here goes:

1. If pressed, I would have to say that my favorite soft rock song is "Year of the Cat."

2. I can't watch the television show "Miracle Pets" without getting a little misty-eyed. Seriously. Don't tell anybody I said that.

3. Three pop culture moments that have warped me for life: 1) age 4 - finding my parents' copy of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band and playing it on my little Mickey Mouse record player (the needle came out of Mickey's outstretched hand) - listening to it now, most of the album is precisely the kind of virtuosic, overbloated proto-progrock that I dislike intensely, but hearing that opening guitar riff when I was four, oh man....; 2) age 9 - watching the original BBC telecast of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy in a hotel room in Glasgow; 3) age 14 - riding my bike down to the Maplewood Mall, going Musicland, and shelling out several weeks' worth of allowance to purchase The Clash (1977) and a James Brown's Greatest Hits album (both on cassette).
Those three moments, mes amis, have in many ways sent me on the trajectory that finds me today compulsively posting album covers from Norwegian disco bands with ridiculous haircuts. I'll let all of you budding young psychologists out there figure out what the hell that means. I'm sure Nick Hornby could turn this whole narrative into a book, but I'm not Nick Hornby.

4. Speaking of Nick Hornby, there was a point in my life when I came dangerously close to turning into Barry from High Fidelity. A good friend (whose will not even be identified by pseudonym, such is her shame), who is also an admitted fan of (*shudder*, *cringe*) Matchbox 20, and rightly ridiculed by myself for being so, isn't so sure I actually dodged that bullet. Click here for your gratuitous Sonic Death Monkey clip.

5. Last weekend I went to First Avenue and a High School Dance broke out. Soviet Panda have excellent taste in hooded cowls, by the way.

6. When the zombies come, as they surely will, I just hope I'll be ready.

7. I like the cut of your jib. Also, I'm loaded for bear.

On the road again

I've been travelling a lot lately. In fact, I'm blogging from an undisclosed location right now. This means I've been spending a lot of time in airports and on planes. Back in the old days, the only way to get to anywhere from the Twin Cities was to fly Northwest. No longer. Check out some of the crazy new airlines that are out there:

Speed Post!

Busy, busy pirate have little time to post... must... write like... Superman under influence... of kryptonite...

Admiral Nelson once had a roomate named Shirley, you know.

I never did trust that worm.

Is there any other kind of cramp?

That "something special" wouldn't happen to be a mechanical hook, would it?

Evangelical Ninjas, unite!

There, got it all posted in less than five minutes!

What for you no tell me Supersuckers in town last Friday?

In case you were wondering, one of the ways to break my shriveled little heart is to tell on Monday that the Supersuckers were in town last Friday.

My only source of comfort will be these videos

Please play this song at my funeral. Later, I'll see you in hell.

The beauty of the internet: I can find a Supersuckers cover of "Hey Ya" overdubbed on a Peanuts Cartoon in less than a minute, but I can't find out that the band actually playing live in town on a night when I had nothing better to do. What did I actually do last Friday night? Well, it involved Hoegaarden, the Hamline & Grand Green Mill, and flatulent bar patrons (not me).

Interview with The Replacements - circa 1986

"We need psychiatric treatment. Seriously."

What I can't figure out is where this interview took place. It kinda looks like the old jungle world that used to be on the top of the St. Paul City Center along with that creepy carousel.

Science Friday: meet the new dinosaur on the block

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the newly-described Gryposaurus monumentensis, which I believe is Latin for "big-ass duck-billed tree chomper." I'll let the science guys do the talking:

The newly named Gryposaurus monumentensis, or hook-beaked lizard from the monument, was discovered near the Arizona line in the Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument in 2002 by a volunteer at the site. Details about the 75-million-year-old dinosaur, including its name, were published in the Oct. 3 edition of Zoological Journal of the Linnean Society.

Duck-billed dinosaurs were previously known to have been among the most imposing herbivores, with hundreds of teeth and a body that could knock down trees.

Gryposaurus monumentensis, at least 30 feet long and 10 feet tall with a robust jaw and thick bones, was like a duck-billed dinosaur on steroids, said paleontologist Terry Gates.

"It's basically the Cretaceous version of a weed-whacker," he said. "You have a very formidable herbivore."

Speaking of weed-whackers: