Escape From the Scooby Doo Mansion

You wanted the awesome, you got the awesome!

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Henceforth, I shall only dance as Rick Astley dances

When this song was on the radio, I just assumed that Rick Astley was actually the from Ashford & Simpson (kinda like my "Melissa Etheridge is actually Steve Perry from Journey" theory. Really, has anyone ever seen both of them at the same time?). At any rate, I'm gonna dance like Rick Astley from now on... Just as soon as I get some awesome pleated jeans.

P.S. Does anybody else find the bartender's borderline-orgasmic enthusiasm for Rick a little strange?

Friday, September 28, 2007

Here's my weekend reading list:

Y'know, I've been wondering what AC keeps in that cabinet. Probably a few gallon jugs of Campari.

Hey pal, they make a pill for that now.

Craig, I've got a new lyric for you: "I've been tryin' to get people to call my Benny Muscles / But people keep calling me Benny Hill."

If a bear can figure it out, I think we can too.

Hey, look! Someone wrote a novel about the Scooby Doo Mansion! How'd they know about the manacles and bars we keep down in the basement?

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Holy guacamole, you've gotta see this video (if you're a Twin Cities music history person)

Once upon a time, KSTP ran a craptacular local chat show called "Good Company," hosted by two minty-fresh closet crackheads named Steve and Sharon. Well, back in 1986, some genius (who probably lost his job as a result) decided to have Husker Du on as musical guests. The results, in my opinion, are stunning. The look on the faces of an audience full of middled-aged hausfraus is simply priceless.

P.S. The guy with the handlebar moustache is the only one who isn't gay. Go figure.
P.P.S. I'll betcha a sixer of Grain Belt that they were skagged out of their gourds throughout the interview.
P.P.P.S. Drummer Grant Hart attended South Saint Paul High School with Tim Pawlenty. Again, go figure.
P.P.P.P.S. As long as we're talking Husker Du, check out this video for 'Don't Want to Know If You are Lonely:'

Mmmmm, Pulpy!

What? I can't kill a client? Dammit, why didn't somebody tell me that before I waxed my 2 o'clock appointment. Thanks for nothin', gentle readers.

I don't get it, where the monkeys at?

Dolls on dope who'll do anything for kicks? Really? Where the hell were they when I was 17?

Umm, are there any fraternities that aren't fraternities of shame? Seriously, have you ever met a Sigma Alph who didn't need to be repeatedly taint-punched by an enraged gorilla?

Hey Shanty Girl, have you given Payne Avenue a try?

Monday, September 24, 2007

Felitz, I like the cut of your jib.

This one's for you, Adam, you magnificent bastard:

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Getting Scary with Richard Scarry

All of the following were borrowed from for your viewing pleasure:

Friday, September 21, 2007

Super-Patriotic Jesus... With Sparkles!!!

The unblinking eyes are a little disturbing if you ask me. Does anyone remember if the bible mentions JC having laser vision? If Jesus got in a fight with Superman and Mike Ditka, who would win?

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Transcripts don't lie

Sometimes my merry voyages across the seven seas of civil litigation involves getting people's testimony under oath. Sometimes this leads to some pretty bizarre statements, all of which are recorded on official transcript and preserved for nobody's reading pleasure. The following are segments of genuine court transcrip, which (thankfully) involve pirates other than myself, although I might have a few gems of my own after yesterday (tip o' the eyepatch to H-Lo for contributing several of these):
  • Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?" (The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

  • Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
  • Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
  • Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
  • Witness: "Er...his face."

  • Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
  • Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
  • Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
  • Witness: "My name is Susan."

  • Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
  • Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

  • Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
  • Witness: "After the accident?"
  • Lawyer: "Before the accident."
  • Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

  • Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
  • Witness: "Yes."
  • Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
  • Witness: "Yes, sir."
  • Lawyer: "What did she say?"
  • Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

  • Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
  • Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
  • Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
  • Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

  • Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
  • Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

  • Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
  • Witness: "Four times."

  • Lawyer: "Are you married?"
  • Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
  • Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
  • Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

I'm still alive

Hey gang, sorry for the lack of frivolity lately. I have been one busy, busy pirate. I don't have anything substantive to share with you today, so in the meantime, enjoy this:

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Hey Ladies, dial 212-MARGARITA for me, will ya?

Two videos with virtually nothing in common, but I dig 'em both.

Last night, Lucas of Petite Flower fame and I agreed (in the midst of heated Wii Bowling combat) that Paul's Boutique was a much greater achievement of human civilization than the Great Wall of China. If you disagree with us, I submit the video for "Hey Ladies" as Exhibit A:

"212-Margarita" is an unreleased Hold Steady song. Why? 'Cause I'm green and deceiving and full of tequila, that's why!